The Big Bean Theory

Q: What's the worst thing about two horrible cooks living together in a small apartment?

A: Having to share one bathroom.

I'm curled up in a ball.
On the floor.
Praying for sweet, merciful relief.

Not that you guys give a flying flip about my digestive woes, this is just a short explanation for my unavailability. 

There are four years in a leap year.

A pyramid has four sides.

Humans have four different blood types.

The Special Olympics are held every four years.

If you multiply the number 21,978 by four, it turns backwards.

Earth, water, fire, and air make up the Four Elements.

The Civil War lasted four years.

A compass has four cardinal directions. 

There are four seasons: winter, spring, summer, fall.

It takes four people to go on a double date.

The most common swear words in the English language consist of four letters.

There are four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.



And four years is a really long time to be in a relationship with someone like me, but we did it.
Tomorrow marks the four year anniversary of one hell of a long blind date.
It's been a crazy ride.  An old married couple without the marriage.

Happy anniversary, Blanket.  I love you.

Ok so first off, damn that's one hell of a long text message.  I'm curious as to just how long that took to type out on a tiny keypad.  AND WITHOUT TYPOS.

Secondly, who writes this stuff?!?!  I suspect they are in cahoots with the fortune cookie writers.

And thirdly, why do I need a secondhand message from the big guy upstairs sent to me via text message?  Couldn't God just drop me a note on Myspace?  Or write me an e-mail?  Or send me a link to a Live Journal blog?  Why on Earth does it have to be in a text message?  We're not even on the same network.  That's costing me money!  But if I'm supposedly not going to have any hardships this year, maybe my bank account has miraculously been replenished.

Excuse me a moment, I need to make a phone call.

I have a friend who loves the Victoria's Secret clothing line, so that's where I decided to do her Christmas shopping.  I was browsing through a recent VS catalog when the thought hit me: women and men view these models in similar ways (to some degree).  Women want to make sure the neckline doesn't show too much cleavage; men want to know just how much cleavage can be seen.  Women want to be sure the skirt isn't too short so as to avoid any embarrassing moments; men look for any possible opportunity in witnessing one of those embarrassing moments.  Women look for something that is figure flattering; men only take notice when it is figure flattering.  The catalog section on lotions, perfumes, and shower gels really aren't of any interest seeing as how you can't actually smell a photograph.  Sure the catalog companies could throw in a few scratch-n-sniffs, but then there's the risk of pungent intermingling and conflicting scents that would drive everyone away.  In situations like these, when it comes to items other than clothes, if it's not shiny I'm not interested. 

Neither women nor men really need to pay much attention to the models' faces, let alone worry about their personalities.  Other than cosmetics, there's not much else a face can sell commercially.  Both men and women take notice when there's a nice rear end filling out a pair of jeans.  Women want jeans to make their derrières look flattering and men like looking at those booties.  The lingerie department has a tendency to bring sex to the forefront for both genders.  I'm trying to visualize what it looks like on, he's trying to visualize what it looks like off.  Hell, sometimes even I'm trying to visualize what it'll look like on the floor.  Go ahead, call me a shallow perv for paying more attention to the physical details.  You can't tell me that wasn't part of the plan.  Standing there with their legs posed suggestively, playing with their hair, tugging on the clothes, pursing those pouty lips, and tossing that come hither stare... wait, what was I saying?  Ahem.  Sex is obviously utilized as a marketing gimmick.  And I must say, it works!  Well done ladies.  Unfortunately, you only increased my libido instead of increasing the size of my wallet.   I still can't afford what you're selling.

In the end, it comes down to two realizations:
1. I know there's a very slim chance I'll ever fit my ass into those clothes.
2. Men know there's a very slim chance they'll hook up with those models.

...and all that other stuff.  Feel free to share your own holiday traditions.


 1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
    Depends on the gift

2. Christmas tree: real or artificial?
    Artificial

3. When do you put up the tree?
    When and if I get around to it

4. When do you take the tree down?
    Preferably before the new year

5. Do you like eggnog?
    Depends on the recipe

6. Do you have a nativity scene?
    We have one as a family, but I don't have one of my own

7. Favorite gift received as a child?
    I can't answer that

8. Hardest person to buy for?
    Dad

 

9. Easiest person to buy for?
    Myself

10. Worst Christmas gift?
    Reindeer pooh  (No, I'm not kidding)

11. Mail or e-mail a Christmas card?
    Snail mail rules

12. Favorite Christmas movie?
    A Christmas Story

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
    I stock up on gifts for all occasions throughout the year

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
    Why do you ask?

15. Favorite food to eat on Christmas?
    Dressing

16. Clear or colored tree lights?
    Clear

17. Favorite Christmas Song?
    Carol of the Bells

   

18. Travel during Christmas or stay home?
    Stay home.  It's a small town so if we do go out, we don't go very far.

19. Store bought or homemade gifts?
    Depends on the recipient, depends on my budget

20. Angel or star on top of the tree?
    This year it's a bow

21. Open presents on Christmas morning or Christmas Eve?
    Usually one on Christmas Eve and then the rest in the morning

   

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
    Many, many things

23. Bake at home or buy?
    Both

24. Lights outside?
    Are a hassle

  

25. Mistletoe?
    Makes a great belt buckle

Did you miss me?

To the delight of some and the dismay of others I have returned to the Land of Internet Access.  Once again I am free to romp and frolic amongst the other dwellers of the interwebz.    It's good to be back online because I have missed you all so much.  I’m currently working on transferring my written travel journal into text format, so keep an eye out for that.  It may take a while because you know how I am about obsessively checking and re-checking my writing.  I also have lots of pictures to share, mostly from my trip, but also some old ones I’ve been meaning to upload.  And there's always the fun randomness that I'm so well known for.  I'd like to apologize in advance for the quality of my photos from the trip since most of them were taken from a moving vehicle.


What all I missed (on Buzznet):

1. My one-year Buzz-aversary!  I'm very sad I wasn't around for that one.
2. The redecorating and revamping of Buzznet.  All I have to say is WOW.  I'm still getting to know the new layout, but for the most part I really like it.  Great job guys!
3. Buttons!  The first thing that came to mind when I saw this little button was Original Gangster.  Then I figured out that it's a Buzznet Original badge.  What I really wanna know is where the hell is my Buzzmaker badge?  I thought I already was a Buzzmaker.  No big a deal.
   
4. I'm seriously glad I missed out on all the e-Drama.  Such silliness.
5. You've all been very busy posting your own content.  I'm enjoying looking back through all the older photos, journals, videos, etc.

What all I missed (in my own little world):

This has not been a good summer for appliances.

1. Our fridge went on the fritz a while back so the landlord swapped it out with the one from the empty apartment next door.  Turns out that refrigerator had roaches.  The man had lived there for 18 years and never bothered to clean!  So when I return home, guess what... we have a roach situation.  Nothing as major as an infestation, but still, ewww.  Luckily the exterminator did some hardcore fumigating and the problem has been resolved.  It's now safe for me to return to my apartment.
2. We got a new air-conditioner since our old one decided to completely crap out during the hottest part of summer.  This new one has a remote control.  How weird is that?  It's definitely going on my list of inventions intended for convenience but initially promote laziness.  And I'm sure it will spoil me next summer.  Hey if you got it use it, right?
   
3. The internet access in my area decided to pack up and move, leaving me stranded without the 'Net for three months.  My poor little laptop is still recovering from withdrawals.
   

Well that's about it for the moment.  Just wanted to catch you guys up on where I am and what I'm doing in case you were wondering.  Pretty soon you'll learn more about where I've been this whole time, but not right now.  I need to finish unpacking and get started on a mountain of laundry.

And now I think I'm coming down with a cold or something.  Ugh, it's flu season isn't it?

It started here on Buzznet with a post by panasonicyouth.

Here are the rules:

•  Only list 8 facts.

•  You must then list 8 TAGS at the end of the post. This means you must name 8 people on Buzznet who now must do the same blog.

•  Go comment on their profile and tell them to come read yours! [We] demand participation.

Eventually I was tagged (by several people), so here goes:

1) I can be very random.  When I really get going, it's hard for me to stick to one topic. 

2) Even though I'm not a girlie girl, I still like romance and other girlie girl stuff.

3) I tend to procrastinate when it comes to completing a task, yet I don't hesitate when it comes to shoving my foot in my mouth.

4) I like to be liked.  I can get along with almost anyone.  I like attention from friends but not necessarily from strangers, even though I've been in numerous choirs and plays performed before large audiences.

5) I have RSD, which I like to tell people stands for Really Shitty Disorder.

6) I tend to think negatively of myself as well as situations.  My feelings can be easily hurt.

7) I have obsessive compulsive tendencies toward certain things.  A few examples include: my food touching other food on my plate, straightening picture frames (whether they belong to me or not), keeping one section of my desk neat while the rest is one big mess, repeatedly re-reading and checking my work for mistakes (it actually took me two hours to post this thing), putting the dishes away in a particular order...  It's a pretty random long list.

8) I am sarcastic, but often with the best intentions at heart.  I'll usually make a smart-ass remark to get a laugh or break the tension.  Other times, I appear flippant when I'm actually being sincere.
 



And this is who I tag:

heartsapocolypse, bennbell, dawnanthony, alexv, jenda, jayv, twisssssted, charlymaravilla

Each of you must tag 8 more people and you can't tag someone who has already done one. Make a friend!  [Insert evil laughter here]

The good news: Your dog's leg is not broken.

The bad news: She's had a stroke and needs to be put down.

Enjoy the rest of your trip.

An experimental apartment complex in Seattle, WA welcomes homeless alcoholics. 
Even better than having a roof over their heads, occupants aren't required to stop drinking and they never have to leave as long as they avoid violence.

Many taxpayers are upset that their money is being spent to fund such projects.  Officials believe that taxpayers' money is better spent on housing for alcoholics because it will save more money in the long run on multiple hospital visits to the emergency room.

The decision on who gets to live in the apartments is made by social service providers.  The  only qualification seems to be an extreme record of alcoholism.  Residents pay less than $200 a month and must buy their own alcohol.  It has been estimated that the building will pay for itself in less than five years.





Ok, so here's a thought.  If your alcoholism is so severe that it's cost you your home, your job, and your family and friends, this place will just give you a place to stay and expect nothing in return except that you supply your own alcohol.  That sounds a little bit more like enabling than assisting.  And on the taxpayers' dime, too.

So if any of you ever need a cheap place to stay, just get liquored up and head to Seattle.

Read the first part here: The Quiet Man

---

What a mess
What an awful mess for that old man to leave behind
No one had expected it; he was the quiet kind

From ambulance to crematorium
No funeral and no memorial
Not a single visit from family, friend, or foe

Apartment pillaged by a man with a stolen key
A man who lives across the street
That man had no business here; the dirty rotten thief

The ruckus we heard has not been explained
What the hell was he building?
What was it he made?

No sign of questionable contraptions
No real evidence has been found
I've seen the authorities out there searching the grounds

And I wonder what they found in his van
There's really no telling
He was such a quiet man




Original poetry(?) or something by: Jennybean
Based on true events.
Yes, it actually happened.

---

Note: After reading The Quiet Man, many of you made mention of how it reminded you of a Tom Waits song.  I thought I'd add a visual here for extra garnish.  Disturbing similarities between actual events and the song and video.

Tom Waits - What's He Building In There?


Special thanks to John for the excellent video recommendation!

Seriously, I'd really like to know.  What are your reasons behind canceling such a promising hit series such as Jericho?  I have scoured the vast land of various media types in search of answers and have found nothing. 

Is this really all you have to offer in response?  That's not even an explanation.  Some lame "special closure" (which is probably a two hour CBS movie special) is not going to be able to provide a sustainable conclusion to such plot twisting, paranoia inducing, suspenseful twenty-two hours that made up season one.  Is there something about this storyline that the government doesn't want us to know?  Could this actually happen?  (I certainly think it's possible.)  And if so, is it going to happen anytime soon?  And what's the real deal with Mr. Hawkins?  There is no possible way to give plausible explanations to all the unanswered questions without continuing the show for at least another season.


You provided such an amazing casting combination including Gerald McRaney, Pamela Reed, Ashley Scott, and Skeet Ulrich, among many others.  And then you just take it all away after only one season?  WHY?

I highly doubt it was due to poor ratings or lack of viewing audience because judging by all the Jericho fan sites I've visited, there are millions of viewers who are just as disappointed with you as I am.  This one is from your own website.  Even though it was a major bonehead move on your part to schedule Jericho in the same time slot as LOST and American Idiot Idol, we forgave you because we are such loyal fans of the show.

Instead, this is what you have planned for your new line up:

Swingtown - Wow, a show about sex and swapping partners.  Haven't seen that before.

Bring the volume down and use your

Indoor voice.

Please don't be so

Over dramatic.

Let it in, let it out, let it go

And just breathe.

Reality sets in...




Original poetic garbage by: Jennybean

Geek Squad opens new PC-hospital to screw over customers repair more computers from one centralized location.  The Geek Squad City warehouse is located just south of Louisville in Hillview, Kentucky. 

Here's just a few of my beefs with Geek Squad that are related to the article linked above.

• "This is all about giving the customer a better experience," said Michael Rodgers, Geek Squad City's "ambassador," or spokesman.

Oh really?  I'd say you have to start from a good experience in order to build up to a better experience.  Returning me the same busted laptop after claiming to have replaced it because your employees weren't properly trained and lacked the skills to repair it is not my definition of a good experience.

Why was I charged $30 for anti-virus/anti-spyware and installation fees when nothing was installed?  Not even the standard software.  And on top of that, I was refused a refund.  I had to pay another $30 in order to have it actually installed.

And as for your Customer Support, how do you justify trying to charge me $50 for one of your lackies to ask me stupid questions over the phone about the power button and if I have the computer plugged into a power source when I already know damn well that has nothing to do with the problem?

What kind of scam are you running here?

• Rob Enderle, an analyst with the Enderle Group research company, said the turnaround time is faster than any other computer retailer.

That's because your so-called experts aren't actually taking the time to fix the computers properly.  Instead, computers are tweaked just enough to last for a short period of time before having to be returned for more "repairs".  In turn, the customer ends up paying way too much for poor service and sloppy workmanship.  But yes, you're right, it is faster that way.

• "I've never found a problem that somebody here couldn't fix," said Justin Meade, a 21-year-old who works at Geek Squad City. "We kind of relish in that."

Well, Justin, in my opinion that makes you an ignorant, arrogant prick.  You should really do more research about the company you're so proud to work for.



Fuck Geek Squad. 

That's just what one day care worker in Lafayette, Tennessee did.  What the hell is going on in this state?  Teachers scaring the shit out of kids with fake gunman drills and now this.

Upon a unannounced inspection of Paulette's Group Day Care Home, a faculty member was reportedly found to be hiding three crying infants in a storage room.



Not only did she tuck them away in a storage room, but she placed them in playpens with blankets pinned over the tops.  Gee, that sounds a lot like a pet kennel if you ask me.  And in a lame attempt to cover up the situation she tacked a sign on the door reading "Private Day Care does not go beyond this door."

Are you kidding me?  That's like when your mother would tell you to clean up your room and you'd just sweep everything under the bed or (like in this case) into the closet.  Now I am in no way comparing a crying baby to a pile of filthy clothes or general clutter, but that's pretty much how this employee treated the situation.  I can't help but think of all the DO NOT ENTER signs and crossing tape that use to adorn my friends' bedroom doors to ward off nosey siblings and other unwanted guests.

So ok, I can understand how the woman could be a little overwhelmed and freaked out about an surprise inspection.  After all, she was looking after eight kids.  I've worked for healthcare services dealing with children so I happen to know that the current state laws in Tennessee only allow five children to every one adult.

BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE!

As for the actual day care owner, Paulette Colter, well she was away on vacation and could not be reached.  And this isn't the first time Paulette's Group Day Care Home has encountered problems regarding inspections.  Needless to say, her day care license has been suspended. 

Now I'm not a parent, but if I did have kids this is most definitely not a facility to which I'd entrust their safety and well-being.

You know you've got me wrapped around your little finger,
But you use it against me.

You toy with my emotions,
You play games with my mind.

You know what you want from me,
But you won't tell me.
How can I give it to you if I don't know what it is?

Once again, my heart won the battle in what I should do and what I want to do.
It wasn't suppose to happen this way,
But it did.

Please don't leave,
That's all I ask of you.

I'll give you everything I can,
Just please don't go.




Original poetry by: Jennybean

Excerpt from Stephen King's Bag of Bones


Do what you want.
Bite me,
Sodomize me,
Lick between my toes,
Drink wine out of my navel,
Give me a hairbrush and raise you ass for me to paddle.
It doesn't matter.

Do what you want.
The door is closed an we are here,
But really only you are here.
I am just a willing extension of your fantasies,
Only you are here.
I have no wants of my own,
No needs of my own,
No taboos.

Do what you want to this shadow,
This fantasy,
This ghost.

                                                                     

Who are you?

         How can you tell me what I'm feeling?

                    I don't even know myself,
                            so how can you possibly claim to know who I am?
                    You came here from a land of sunshine and beauty,
                             but where are you really from?

                                          Were you sent from the heavens as an angel,
                                                 resting on a cloud of serenity?
                                          Or did the devil himself send you up
                                                 from the fiery pits of hell to torture my soul?

                            When will I figure it out?

                Why must you insist on manipulating me?
        You pull on my strings as if I'm a puppet in your hands.

                    How can you foresee my future?

Who are you?




Original poetry by: Jennybean

Monopoly.
Twister.
Clue.

What makes these games different form the ones you play?
They have rules.
The instructions are included are they're not that difficult to understand.

But you don't play fair.
You toss my heart around as if you were rolling dice.
Spin the wheel and see what mood you'll be in this time.

Will you play your hand or just fold and lay down your cards?
I don't want to play your games anymore.
No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to win with you.




Original poetry by: Jennybean

April 15, 2007:
Such a great day for me!  My best friend's (of 16 years) birthday is today and mine is tomorrow on the sixteenth.

We had lunch with her and her new boyfriend to celebrate the two of us turning 25 this year!  Yay for 25!  We had way too much fun!  We cleared the entire section of the restaurant where we were sitting because we were cutting up, laughing, and being a bit loud.  This much fun should be illegal!

My very first drive-in movie!  My sweetie had a surprise for me.  I had no idea where we were going and the next thing I knew I was staring out the windsheild at a giant screen while hits from the oldies played on the outdoor speakers.  I was in heaven!  More to come about this adventure.  My first drive-in experience is worthy of its own journal.  Don't worry, it's PG rated.



April 16, 2007:
Right now!  It's muh birfday, yay!  I have no idea what this day has in store.  Could it get any better than last night?  It's possible and I have no doubt that what they have planned will be any less than fantastic.  Another pontential journal entry.



Oh so much more to come.  And some new great pictures as well!  Well, I think they're great, but you can judge for yourself.

Have a great day, afternoon, night, whatever it is where you are!  I love you guys so much!

It's my birthday!  Yay!